March 20, 2020
Ok, an update to everyone who has been SO kind and such an encouragement to me. Ahhhh i have no words to encapsulate all that is happening, but also here is a little word vomit, a lot of words.I had a little panic moment a little earlier yesterday. I was not sure of what was happening and I was feeling… left behind, frustrated, vulnerable, stagnant, purposeless, list of emotions goes on. Everyone around me, on my floor, my friends, all leaving one by one. It was like I processed a second after it all happened. It felt like I should be leaving as well, like I needed to move into someone’s house, like I should be safe. I felt like my parents did not understand what I was going through, like my church here at Wheaton was disconnected from me, like Wheaton college was slowly emptying without seeing me. The enemy was really pecking at me. Fear, anxiety, uncertainty, ambiguity all around me. Instagram, YouTube, my bed, social distancing, discouraging thoughts were being used as tools to drag me. In only 24 hrs! He is on the run 24/7!!!
BUT GOD
He knows us, me, oh so fully. I knew that I must come before the Lord on my knees. I was talking with a friend about how she said it was easy to go to the Lord in times of trouble but difficult when all was going well. I told her that sometimes it was the opposite for me. I love the Lord so much, but whenever it’s hard, I find my pride blocking me from going before Him. So was this time. I wanted to ignore everything happening and not talk to God about it, but He knows me so fully and He is good. I received so many encouraging and wonderful texts and phone calls from friends who were not just offering to help me, but really willing to do so. I had a normal conversation with a friend over FaceTime about our memories, majors, passions, funny moments, and was so encouraged and humbled. I prayed with some friends for the world. Then, with some music (The Blessing) blasting, I came before the Lord on my knees. After tears and crying out to God, I felt His embrace. He is so good. I won’t share my moment with Him, but one take away was that Jesus is really all I desire. Jesus is all we need. Jesus is who we must love more and more and believe in. To live for Jesus.
I then called my family, and it was really hard seeing them together but I’m thankful for their safety, their love for me, and that I have a means of talking with them. They are amazing. After good conversations with friends, I came back to my room. I know that I am supposed to be here. My Father would not allow it if I wasn’t supposed to be. There is a reason for me being here, and maybe if there isn’t, God is still good. I am here and that is ok. I might not be with my family but that’s okay too. Family is everywhere. I am protecting others from a virus I most likely don’t have, but I should be careful. After this week, I’ll make a decision, but for now I am in my room, with enough food in my stash, my Bible, and all essential things I may need. So thank you to everyone who has reached out. I will probably call you if I need help. Thank you for making that possible for me.
I write all this because I know that many are wondering about what has happened with Esti and I’m sorry I caused you to worry. I also know that many have reached out to me saying they feel the exact same way and are going through similar things. I have the time, resources, and words to speak for many of us who are experiencing similar things during these times, so I will continue to do so. Please continue reaching out to each other and even just a word, is encouraging. A word of prayer, of encouragement, scripture, of help. “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”Matthew 10:28-31 NIV
Esti’s journey 